Go Watch This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrRn9XK3acY (a recovering survivor speaks out against pro-ana websites)

A friend of mine made this video, which I just think needs to be seen and I think she is amazing. And that there are probably a lot more people than I am aware of that need to see it and need the support to continue to fight and recover. Which is something I can understand.

I've been trying to think of what I'd want to say in this space, at this particular time, and I find myself at a loss for words--nothing specific enough, nothing vague enough, nothing hitting the right note. Yet, there is this part of me that is demanding acknowledgement, and to that part, for now, I find these words from e.e. cummings:

this(let's remember)day died again andagain;

which right now is the truest thing I can think of.

I have been much too boring to blog

I’m trying to be interesting. I’m trying to make new friends. I’m trying to see possibilities in places where I am just not able to see them. I’m trying to stay on top of things. I’m trying to not get annoyed with people who mean well. I’m trying to remember that it is not all about me. I’m trying to be good and selfless and understanding and reasonable. I’m trying to just be. And be okay with what I need to be okay with.

And mostly, it’s okay.

I just walked into my bedroom after taking a shower and some sort of winged insect literally the size of my thumb was upside down in the middle of my bedroom floor. It seemed odd, since I hadn't noticed something the size of a small bird flying around my apartment but I had to wonder if that is why I kept waking up last night. Maybe it was dive bombing on my head all night long. Not a pleasant thought. It seemed dead, so I nudged it and it seemed to remain dead--so I grabbed a paper towel, picked it up and it totally started moving its wings like a freaking hummingbird! I freaked out and dropped the thing. Here I'd like to mention that I'm of course only in underwear and I'm frantically looking for the biggest shoes I own in order to stomp the thing dead. Which I did, naturally, in hiking boots and my delicates.

That is my dramatic tale of the mysterious winged insect.

And I'd like to welcome myself back to the blogging world.

The Dentist Made Me Cry...

... and then I got a chocolate milkshake.

This what you do...

when there's a March snowstorm in Boston, and you had already decided last week to take the day off.

You laze around most of the day, opting to stay home rather than drive to the gym and lose your snow emgergency parking spot. Do the laundry, make friends with Denise Austin and hope it starts to snow soon.

Then decide to take the "T" to meet a friend for a movie. Put on your Bass snow boots, your favorite red scarf, the hat you just made because you lost your last one. Then frantically search through all your winter coats for your good gloves and put on your Boston-issue uniform black peacoat.

Take the train for only two stops, get off at Harvard Square, realize this may be your last snow in Boston. Remember you love Harvard Square when its snowing.

After the movie, you and your friend see that is still snowing and it's twilight already. She is brilliant and grabs free newpapers as shields against the fierce wind, and you march to Burdicks. Order thier insanely rich dark hot chocolate and cup-in-hand trudge back to the "T" and home.

On the walk home realize the simpleness of meeting a friend for a movie during a snowstorm, the warmth of the best hot chocolate, the ease with which you live your life here in this town and at this time, the way the streetlamps illuminate the still falling snow are things you will miss if you move to the suburbs of another city.

There is no witty title for these updates

Well, that little meltdown is over, though I am still walking around all angst-ridden and still not really knowing anything. I'm sure I'll be breaking down again at some point.

I finally got compensation from Airtran for the bag they lost. How that just magically disappeared forever I'll never know, but at least I can now replace some of the bigger items.

Did you know that Yoplait Lite yogurt is cheaper at Target than any of the grocery stores? It's true. Target should be my boyfriend.

What also rocks are my friends that seriously have come to my aid and pledged undying support and help with whatever I do in several weeks. I am so taking them up on that. And then buying them pizza.

I also have a few more weeks than I thought to actually phsyically be elsewhere. I still need to know what on earth I'm doing, but at least I guess I'll have to time pack. Anyone know of anyone who needs a roommate in Baltimore? If that's what I do.

And tonight when I got home I got a letter from the last place in Boston. The Plans That Cannot Be Specifically Mentioned have another yes.

And I'm still waiting to hear from the one last place that could really really change things.

Another Year Past

I think above all, right now I believe in grace.

I don’t know really what I think on a million subjects, being torn as I am. I know that I often feel unfit, out of place, confused, stuck, wandering, lost. I know that as much as I believe there is a God that knows me, has given me gifts, has led me; I often feel distanced and out of touch spiritually. I know that much of this is my own doing, but I never doubt that such a God does actually exist. I know that the Mormon church is where God wants me. I think that much of what I think and feel is organic and I can’t make my conscience conform and yet I go every week and I try and I think that God thinks I’m okay and that I don’t need to twist myself into knots to be accepted.

That I should be accepted just as I am—just as unorthodox and stubborn and opinionated and feminist and feminine and abstract-thinking and seeing grays and following the rules and lowly and prideful and selfish and loving and compassionate and unfit as I am. Though maybe I really should work on that prideful and selfish and possibly hypocritical bit.

I do believe, as they say, that God loves me.

I believe that God is guiding me through the phases of my life, even though I’d really prefer an itinerary. Just to know what to expect, and if I should expect certain things. I say ‘hell’ (even in church sometimes) and I cuss once in a while and I wrote poetry but I don’t anymore and I wish I did and there are plenty of things I wish I could do or be good at or be like.

And really, it is grace that gets me through. I believe that it is grace that has given me friends that tell me really I’m great and that appreciate me; and grace that gives me strength and bravery when needed. It is grace that has saved me in the past, even on this day, and that will save me in the future. That is a scary thought—what will I be enduring in the future that I will need so much grace for.

And so where I am today is in a place of seeking, even though I know there is an answer if only I would not be too lazy to look. I am trying and grasping and feeling disconnected, yet still accomplishing what I need to. I am making plans for my future that I know are right. I am not looking forward to some decisions I will have to make, and I am trying to trust that I will be able to make the right ones. I am trying to trust at all.

But it is grace that gets me even as far as trying.

Driving into work today…

The “service engine soon” light makes me nervous…I’ll be bringing it to the dealer tomorrow.
Is Tristan extra shaky today? Is the car trying to veer off the road? Breakdown in the middle of the lane and get me into a horrible fiery accident?
Must go to gym today.
Am I happy with the speaker dock I bought…?
Must write some thank you notes;
Must not procrastinate above item any longer.
I wonder if John Mayer would want to be my boyfriend. Even though it wouldn’t work out, maybe he’d write a song about it…
Mr. Legend would also be acceptable, though he might be a player…
Amos Lee maybe? JT, even though that would totally be just a fling?
Alexi Murdoch! That would be good.
Any guy with a voice and a guitar really would do…
Seeing The Police at Fenway would be awesome.
Need to make a workout playlist for that lovely red ipod of mine…I’m thinking vintage Madonna, some JT, Pet Shop Boys, Ben Folds, maybe some Clash or Ramones and I really need more suggestions for songs to include (that’s a hint, internet).

A List of Good Things About Today

1. Comfypants all day.
2. Got my car out of the ice this afternoon.
3. Got another thingie I will call Yes To Future Plans That Cannot Be Revealed on Blog, Lest I Be Fired From Work.

That means there are 2 Yes and 2 waiting to hear...

This is what I faced this morning:

On the other side is the curb, in front is the wall of snow/ice and behind me is some room (about a foot or so) to maneuver. Not that you can quite tell, but the tires are encased in an inch or so of ice. Needless to say, I worked from home today. And I will never drive anywhere again. I tried to get out again this afternoon and about all I accomplished was filling the neighborhood with the smell of burning rubber. Nice.

An Example of How I Am Both Mean and Brilliant

This morning CoWorker1 got back from a 4-week vacation to India. To punish her for leaving me, she came back to a cube that was completely packed up, wrapped in caution tape and plastic-spider-ridden cobwebs, with this tacked to the outside:

**********************************************************************

Ms. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxr:

It has come to our attention that you have not reported to work in over two weeks. It is the policy of [Name of Company I Do Not Want To Be Fired From] that all employees must request vacation time in advance, with permission of their manager, or be considered to have left their position.

We have no record of vacation time requested. As of January 15, 2007 you are no longer considered an employee of [Name of Company I Do Not Want To Be Fired From].

It has been brought to our attention that your cubicle has been abandoned and your belongings have been packed by tearful coworkers who fear the worst.

In cleaning your internet history, we have also noted several adult sites had been bookmarked, as well as several questionable dating sites. We would advise you against such practices in the future, or to at least restrict them to your personal computer.

We do ask that you collect your things and depart the premises immediately upon receiving this notice.

Regards,

Yyyyyy Zzzzzzz
Director, Human Resources.

The Outer Circumstances

Lately, I find Frasier hilarious.

Diet Dr. Pepper has been dubbed by my favorite almost-two-year-old as “Cat’s water”. How right he is.

Airtran lost one of my bags. So far, irrevocably. What makes me upset about that is the fact they lost my gifts, not just my pair of jeans and shampoo. Things that mostly can be replaced, but for me the fact that these things already had sentiment behind them and now they are lost is sad.

Still not sleeping/dreaming well.
Still hitting a barrier.
Still alone.

Except of course, for me and my cookie dough and pizza. Disgusting, I tell you. I even got a craving for lo mein, which I don’t even really like anymore due to the salty and greasy factor.

Still working on Plans That Cannot Be Mentioned on Blog. Holding out some optimism and not giving way to superstition considering how my new year started out.

Have entertained the idea that I need to get used to how things are, that this is just my life and how it will be.

Not yet given in to that idea. Optimism can be a pain in the butt, even when tempered with realistic thinking.

In other news...

I finished the afghan I'm giving my mom for Christmas. It's up at the Kraft Klub blog.

The good thing is that I am working from home today...

Every morning for the past few weeks I have woken up disconcerted, having had some sort of odd, not-good dreams. I generally remember snippets and there is always something going wrong at the last minute, something taken a terrible turn, something going awry when it didn't need to.

In my waking life, I've hit some kind of wall. Every time I look for inspiration or a new perspective its like hitting my head against the wall. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't get past something. I don't feel like I'm talking to some void, that whatever I'm looking for isn't there. It's more that it's permanently distanced from me and all the stretching and reaching and grasping in the world won't make a difference.

Just a quick bloggy note…

I am one of those people that love the white twinkly lights, candlelight carols, the sappy movie specials on tv, the thought of hot chocolate with peppermint candy canes while it snows outside, the hope that just maybe something miraculous could happen and in general dig the Christmas time of year.

That being said, this year that special feeling that it was the special time of year was not happening, and it was annoying. I wanted to enjoy the smooshy sappiness, the cold air that makes you want put on scarves before I get bitter about it, the wreaths and bows and all the red and white. I don’t have room for my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree but I’m reconsidering that as I write, I haven’t done Christmas cards in years, I’m a smart online shopper, I saw a dusting of snow which is normally all I need, but that extra sappy something was still missing.

And then finally, on the way home from work today it hit me. Listening to Sarah’s Song for a Winter's Night, while waiting at a light five minutes from home, struck just the right nerve. The air was the right amount of cold, there was the perfect bit of sparseness to the afternoon, and this year I’d love to just ride around looking at lights, letting my heart fill with just the right amount of awe.

Currently...

I am on the phone with random companies because I came home to a credit card bill with all these crazy charges on it. Crazy charges that are not mine.

Nothing pricey, but random, I'll tell you. The video professor, which is out a set of Lotus 1-2-3, some other place that is full of static that is something about building websites, and some other bidding place.

So far the video professor people are nice, and the website people gave me a name on the fraudulant account. If there's anything intriguing about the bidding people, I'll blog back in.

I'm a Hot Little Potato Right Now

Friday: the best phone call EVER.

Saturday: little sleep, lots of running around, but a good dinner.

Sunday: good talk at church, but I was already feeling...well, not the love I can tell you that-- but I decided to stick around even though I was just in a mood. Now I am a major GRUMPYPANTS bad mood woman and I can't quite put a finger on why. I think its the same old thing. And while it just is what it is, and its not like people are malicious or malintentioned, those fact still are not helpful to me. I am tired of hearing how if only I made more efforts or if only I this or that: the fact is that experience has shown me it does not matter what I do. This is just the state of my life, so I need to suck it up, but at the moment I am filled with grump and foulness. Even a nap didn't help. Or talking to my sister. Or blogging. Ugh.

And at this point I"ll be going into parental time already grumpy and not in the most gracious state of mind.

Things That Are Amusing Me Right Now

1. That ‘alarm clock catastrophe’ song from dunkin donuts commercial. I feel like that every day. It is a catastrophe when my alarm clock goes off. Especially when the pager went off several times in the middle of the night.
2. This onion article. I am a Law and Order: SVU addict.
3. A very addictive word game that I want CoWorker1 to play. It would lessen the guilt if someone else at work was wasting time on this.

Things That Are NOT Amusing Me Right Now
1. My face. Seriously. I have really sensitive skin and it has been freaking out, leaving my face all red and rashy and dry and gross.
2. The fact that it is still morning time. I am not a morning person.
3. Being blocked from any and all online music-listening sites at work. I have some very tedious stuff to do and I need a distraction that is not number 2 above.
4. What I brought in for lunch today. It’s a corn chowder that did not turn out very chowdery.

The Newest Addition

I just got this as an early Christmas present from g and Tammy when g came to visit this weekend. I was very good and let the large, somewhat heavy box just sit in the living room until g got here. I am the epitome of restraint and control. I am now in love. I need recipes! I need things to grate and chop and puree! Seriously awesome.