Another Year Past

I think above all, right now I believe in grace.

I don’t know really what I think on a million subjects, being torn as I am. I know that I often feel unfit, out of place, confused, stuck, wandering, lost. I know that as much as I believe there is a God that knows me, has given me gifts, has led me; I often feel distanced and out of touch spiritually. I know that much of this is my own doing, but I never doubt that such a God does actually exist. I know that the Mormon church is where God wants me. I think that much of what I think and feel is organic and I can’t make my conscience conform and yet I go every week and I try and I think that God thinks I’m okay and that I don’t need to twist myself into knots to be accepted.

That I should be accepted just as I am—just as unorthodox and stubborn and opinionated and feminist and feminine and abstract-thinking and seeing grays and following the rules and lowly and prideful and selfish and loving and compassionate and unfit as I am. Though maybe I really should work on that prideful and selfish and possibly hypocritical bit.

I do believe, as they say, that God loves me.

I believe that God is guiding me through the phases of my life, even though I’d really prefer an itinerary. Just to know what to expect, and if I should expect certain things. I say ‘hell’ (even in church sometimes) and I cuss once in a while and I wrote poetry but I don’t anymore and I wish I did and there are plenty of things I wish I could do or be good at or be like.

And really, it is grace that gets me through. I believe that it is grace that has given me friends that tell me really I’m great and that appreciate me; and grace that gives me strength and bravery when needed. It is grace that has saved me in the past, even on this day, and that will save me in the future. That is a scary thought—what will I be enduring in the future that I will need so much grace for.

And so where I am today is in a place of seeking, even though I know there is an answer if only I would not be too lazy to look. I am trying and grasping and feeling disconnected, yet still accomplishing what I need to. I am making plans for my future that I know are right. I am not looking forward to some decisions I will have to make, and I am trying to trust that I will be able to make the right ones. I am trying to trust at all.

But it is grace that gets me even as far as trying.