An Actual Post

Tonight I made chicken enchiladas with the leftover sauce from last week. From now on, I have to make the sauce at least a day in advance, it is so much better once the spices have all seeped in together. I phoned my parents and left a message with my brother and sister in law. I even re-did some of the scarf I’m crocheting. I can never do anything in a straight line.

It’s shaping up to be a rare quiet week. The past few months I’ve come to realize just how much busier, how much fuller, my life is than last year at this time. It used to be a night to myself was normal. Granted, I had a few social engagements or I had mentoring, but more often than not I was making soup and watching tv on any given night of the week. I appreciated the solitude, but I wasn’t doing much with it. I wanted something to take up more of my time; I wanted to feel more a part of a life that others were involved in. I also rarely had to worry or enforce boundaries, I didn’t even have to notice I had any.

Now, more often than not I’m not able to spend a quiet evening at home by myself, doing whatever I please. I worry about being a maid, a chauffer, a disposable shoulder to cry on. I’ve had to realize and enforce boundaries. But I like that I am more connected, that I am part not only of my own life, but of others’ as well. I don’t have as much solitude as I used and maybe not as much as I’d like; but I am more apt to use it well.

I have yet to learn to always communicate my needs or to assert my boundaries. I still feel the need to be loved and am afraid to rock the boat when it seems it may put that affection in jeopardy. I worry about random things, like maybe my roommate won’t want to live with my next year, maybe I’m too involved in someone else’s boy drama; and I need to be honest when I feel I need something.