I am very much needing to vent. So, I know that people read this, and they just can't take this personally. Because it's not about anyone in particular, it's a general problem that I fear is going to repeat itself this year. Because I know good intentions exist, and that is a really good thing, but you know, I'm just too sad.

And it's like this every year I come home for the holidays. Everyone is busy, blah blah blah. But I'm not. I come all the way down and spend so much time alone. I'm used to being alone here. I expect it even. But then to have to be alone in a place where people love you, it's just hard. I can't go anywhere and be surrounded by friends or feel like I am home. One of my greatest fears, exemplified every year, is that I'll move back and still be alone so much of time. That friends will no longer have a place for me in thier lives. That I won't belong anywhere, because I certainly don't belong here. It is very difficult and hurtful to face that. I'm just too sad this year to deal with people not making an effort or not seeing me or not even calling. It's every year. I look forward to seeing friends and at the same time dread the holidays because noone has time. It's not like I'm around all the time. It's not like if the situation was reversed that I wouldn't make an effort.

And the thing is, other friends who have moved away are busy seeing people...people want to see them, just not me. I feel like the biggest loser every year. Other people go home and friends clammer for them. I sit alone and watch trading spaces marathons and try not to cry. And this is after I've called around or asked what people are doing. I get it and all. It's not like I don't understand that people are busy and have obligations, but at the same time, if I'm so missed, why am I so passed by when I am around? I'm just not a priority or important enough. And that makes me a loser too. I'm afraid that when I do have someone special to bring home for the holidays, that noone will be availabe or people will be too busy and then I'm even more of a sucky loser.

I realize I sound like a melodramatic 12 year old, but you know, I'm just too sad. And passed over and not needed. I understand, I really do, I'm just tired of having to be understanding and giving up and being so alone in a place where maybe I shouldn't have to be so lonely, or beg people to see me. Shouldn't I be wanted around? I don't this i'ts wrong to want to be wanted, or to be disappointed when I'm not. And I just don't think I can take it this year.