Monday, August 04, 2008

Covering the bases, I suppose.

About a month ago, Kate and I met Norma and Stan. We were sitting outside, eating ice cream, and dissecting the movie we had just seen when these two lovely strangers asked to sit with us. They were clearly a couple, and just looking for a place to sit, but we struck up a conversation and it wasn't long before the topic turned dating. Stan, at 70 years old, is still a ladies man, and Norma was clearly amused by him and probably genuinely found him delightful. They both counseled Kate and I to to seek men out, that we had pretty faces though we should wear lipstick, and Stan told me I needed to be more aggressive, though Norma did defend my shyness a bit. After talking for just a while, I needed to get Kate back home, so we made our exit, having thoroughly enjoyed our random encounter.

Looking back, this may have planted a seed, and may have been a bit fortitious as well. To explain, this is how I do things: I hem and haw and repeatedly tip my toes in to see how cold or scary or bizarre-seeming the water is. Then I just flat out run and jump in the deep end, even though I can never see the bottom. What I don't like is when this requires me to cease all stubbornness, my most trusted armour; and I suppose where I could most stand some personal growth.

What I've always said I don't feel compelled or interested in doing is something that I have been more open to doing, especially since I've moved back. In Boston, even if not dating, there was possibility right in front of you, someone new could always move in because new people always did--even though I didn't quite buy into that, the downright fact that there would always be transition and possibility was there. Here, not so much.

Let me be clear, however: this has been some time in coming, it's not like I haven't looked, and there are no real expectations or real hopes for that matter--just a semblance of possibilities I may be curious in, and there will be absolutely no pity, just for a free dinner, just because I have nothing better to do, just in case I think I will die alone he might do, dates in whatever forays I am about to take into the world of online dating.

I am doing this solely for myself--I realized that only reason I wasn't doing this is straight-out stubbornness in the face of not wanting to do it to please, placate, prove myself to or otherwise seem to be cajoled into by anyone else. This is not because people have told me to, because it has or has not worked for anyone else, because I think it's the magic answer, but simply to be more bold, to be less stubborn--in short this is one of those character building experiences. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but it needs to be done.


sarah said...

now this sounds intriguing! you know i'm all for exploring the options. you go, girl!

jasmine said...

I love you. you're beautiful. that is all I have to say about that one.