Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Ten Years

I lead a very charmed life. I find myself at times overwhelmed with gratitude for my general and many material blessings, the love I receive from family and friends, the calm in my life in the past couple years. I have had to realize that I do actually finally have calm in my life, there is very little drama and very little that I want for. In the past couple years my feelings have changed from being centered around the tragedy I have had and letting that be a focal point (naturally and sometimes rightly so) to knowing that it is a chapter of my life that while important; does not define me or my place in the world or my interactions with those around me.

I do not mean to say that I let that tragedy take over my life or that I did nothing but feel like victim; but more that I felt as if it cast a shadow that I would always carry around, a dark force I would always have to contend with and define part of my life with. There is some truth to that, in that there are some things we never get over but eventually find a way to move on with them. There are some things that do change us and that will somewhat color our interactions and our perspectives. But even with that being true, I have been able to feel that I am emerging into who I’d still want to be, scars notwithstanding.

I have been able to feel that I can use my experiences to not wholly define me, but to take with me as perspective and insight; and things that have shaped me but more and more in ways that I define.

And I suppose that is one of the greatest blessings I have enjoyed. As a Christ-believing person I do attribute much of that to grace, to a power that is beyond me and greater than me and that has helped me more than I could help myself. Now at ten years, I can say that I have enjoyed more light in my life than dark, and even that darkness does not have the power it once had.

7 comments:

Salimah said...

You are just grace personified. What a milestone. You have acknowledge the horror without giving it more power than it should have, and you have never, ever let your personal tragedy be anything but a catalyst for self-exploration and self-motivation. I am so proud of you. Always have been. Always will be.

roommate fabulosa said...

you are one of the strongest and most amazing women i know. it is an honor to call you my friend.

sarah said...

it is so like God to transform what was meant for destruction and into something beautiful. your life will continue to testify to that, my friend.

lovelove always.

jasmine said...

Cat, you're amazing, I dislike you!

(That is only meant in the Cat-like way that we all hear at times. Although I must say that using the word "dislike" instead of "hate" doesn't give it the same amount of umph that I would like for it to have. Nonethless you are a tremendous blessing in my life!)

g said...

Ditto to what everyone else said. And not only have you moved on with your life, you seem to have used it as a way to help others. You have taken such a hateful act and turned it around into a way to aid others in need. You never cease to amaze me and you are an incredible person.

cat said...

Thank you:) I really do owe a huge debt to all of you guys who supported me and continue to be a huge encouragement and source of strength for me:) i know that i would not be as 'okay' as i am without that, i am just so incredibly fortunate!

Mary said...

Cat, i never say it enough...i am so blessed to know you.