The Five People You Meet When You Go To My Gym

I like my gym, even though I am only GAINING WEIGHT, and yes I am BITTER, but I still am pleased with my choice of gyms. And really, I just wanted to be a bit melodramatic there. I go at the same time most days, and so naturally I see the same people and get to observe a bit as I channel Denise Austin (Just do the best you can! You can do it! Use your body; it’s the only one you’ve got!) on the elliptical. Most people are fairly normal, just there doing their thing (just like me! normal!), and then there are few people that are just…quirky or weird or something that makes them stand out a bit more.

First, there is the The Slinker. This guy mostly walks around the gym, in this gliding but slinky fashion, not really hunched over, but with really bad posture or something. He’s tall and thin with dark hair and seems to be really good shape. He’ll walk around a bit, do some weights and walk around some more, all the while looking around him in this catching things out of the corner of his eyes kind of way. His whole vibe is “I’m too sexy for this gym” combined with maybe a “I used to be a male model but now I just slink around this gym looking mysterious” twist.

Then there is the Odd Noise Making Man. This gentleman is friendly and harmless in this somewhat socially inept kind of way. Really, I’d rather not have a conversation while workin’ it on the elliptical; I’m a little busy trying not to die before my half hour is up. He seems very nice, just misguided. He’ll randomly talk back to the TV program you can only hear through your earphones on the cardio machines, while looking and nodding in a “you see what I’m saying” sort of way. He’s also a gym-goer that will grunt and kind of moan while doing exercises like the hip abductor. Ew.

Next up is Buff Lady. Nothing strange about her, she’s just another recurring character in my gym sitcom. She is the woman who is tan and really buff and muscled, though not to the point of the scary muscle contest ladies. She doesn’t seem mean, but I’m a little afraid to get in her way. She’d probably just shoo me off like a fly. She’s doing her thing when I arrive and she’s there when I leave, just doing her thing.

Fourth is this guy I have no name for. I can’t decide if he’s a wannabe professional athlete, a former high school athlete who can’t get over that he almost made the championship, or a former high school mascot who was angry he was never good enough to get to play. Maybe I will call him Quasi Athlete Man. Yes, that is his name. I only see him on the elliptical and if he is there before me, I try to get at least one machine between us because of the smoke smell emanating from him. I find it difficult to huff and puff while breathing in that smell. The thing I find strange is that he always exercises in regular gym shorts (fine, normal) and this warmer-type jacket that baseball or football players use while practicing in the field when it’s cold out. I can’t figure out how he doesn’t get too hot in that thing while using an indoor cardio machine.

Lastly, and the best of all, is Humping Lady. Now, before you just think I am mean and dirty, let me explain. I’ve really only seen her before a couple times. I only see her when I’m on the elliptical (count how many times I say that word that in this post! No prizes for the winner!) and I kind of can’t help but look over at her. The first time I saw her I couldn’t figure out why what she was doing was a little buggy to me. She does a super-fast sprinting type of thing for a short amount of time, her legs just going warp-speed. I realized that what was getting me was that as she was doing that and her arms were back-and-forthing, she was pretty much mounting the front of the machine as best she could with her body moving up and down due to just how the machine works. So basically, she looked like she was humping the elliptical. I’m telling you, it was like wild kingdom.