8 Years

Right now, today means that I survived. And not only that I did then, but that I continue to. I feel like I’ve come a long way even from just last year. Last year I still couldn’t really motivate myself to do dishes or do basically anything, much less be comfortable with being social or seeking out opportunities.

I feel stronger this year. I’m much more open, much more at ease with myself and not as negative about myself. I don’t need to have the tv on to drown out my own thoughts. I still get anxious and I still get down on myself, but not as much.

I’ve gotten back a little of what was buried for so long. And I think over time that maybe more will come back to me. What is sad to me is that there is some I will never get back. It’s not fair that he took that from me. It’s not right that I don’t get to know what I could have been like. It’s not right that this man came along and took the power to change who I was. He did, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Now I’m working to unearth some of what was lost, but I know that in the end something will always be gone from me.

I’ve learned that acknowledgment is something important to me. I need others to acknowledge what I went through and that it was awful. And I need myself to acknowledge it as well. That is part of why I seem to be hesitant in realizing and being okay with how much I have healed and how okay I am. As though admitting that you are doing okay and that some healing has happened will take away the importance of what did happen. That it would lessen how terrible it was.

I sit and write this and I’m okay with tears that well up and do not fall. I’m okay with admitting that happened to me. I’m okay with who I am; even though I think I might be mad for whom I am not. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made so far and more than ever I’m ready for change that will eventually come and more than ever I’m ready for love in my life.

I am so thankful that I had, and continue to have so much support. To this day, friends are lending their ears and their shoulders and their time. There are simply too many instances to write them all down.

I am healthy, I am okay and I am strong and I am a survivor.