Sunday, October 19, 2003

Not a Letter (far from finished)

I don’t even know what to call you. A man seems not enough, and your name seems to give too much. And I don’t know what to say that would not be an understatement. I know that I am not the person I would be if we had never crossed paths. I know that I feel far less than the person I could have been. I can’t give words to everything you took from me, but know that it is far more than anyone ever has a right to have. You took my trust in myself, my openness, my zeal to experience new things and places. It’s been replaced by fear and anxiety and sadness more than I can express. I haven’t even been able to get angry at you. I feel completely indifferent to you as a person. I have only been able to feel a sadness that wells up within me, but has no release. I cried once, 4 days later. You took my heart from me. Some may argue with that and I’m not even sure why I said it, but it must true. Why else can I not feel happy, excited, angry or joyful like other people? I became numb from the pain and suffered while my life moved on. I’ve started to feel again, and I’ve started become myself again, but only with a lot of time and effort and pain.

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