hi.

I know. I know I have not posted in forever. blah blah blah losercakes, I know.

That being said. Thing is, I just have too much going on inside this head of mine. I am just starting to deal with issues and so all these feelings and thoughts are just so jumbly. That and I'm sure you all don't want to hear it and I certainly can't make it coherent. That and some things I just can't be open about. So I totally get it if it's too much information, but this is basically my journal, so I don't suspect that many will stick around to read it. :) You have been forewarned.

All sorts of things are starting to bubble up and seep through and they do really need to. I repress too much and have been too numb for so long now. It's just going to take a lot of time and I can really tell that I'll be feeling crappy and sad and confused and emotional and bad for some time and quite frankly, it's kinda scary. It will be good for me in the end, but I've just been getting it in these tiny little spurts and it's just that sometimes it is more than I want to deal with. But deal with it I will, because I must.

So if I say I"m fine, I might be. I might say otherwise here. I can be fine, as in being functional, having a life, but not be doing fine at the same time. We must live with contradiction and jumbliness sometimes. I just finished reading 'Beloved' a bit ago and in it, we learn that 'anything coming to life is going to hurt'. That may not be the exact wording. But it IS true.

At least this will hopefully spurn me into actually writing in my journal journal. It's been so hard to get myself to do it and acknowledge things and try to put words to it all...giving it life so to speak. It makes me delve into everything deeper. Again, necesary and scary.

I could go on, I do tend to go on and on, not ever being sure if the point is being made. If I even get the point:) I think thta's good for now though.

Next post: major happenings of the past several weeks. Including, but not limited to: books and basketball, inconsistent boys that make me sad (because I'm trying to not repress and to let myself feel bad) and my brother's wedding!

Shoot, just posting this is getting me un-numbed. ack! scary! hard!