Monday, June 17, 2002

well, this weekend has left a bad taste in my mouth that still bothers me. i did have fun, i did enjoy myself with the two friends that came to visit. however, much of the time i felt like an outsider in my own home and like a big 'ol proverbial third wheel. this made me feel unwanted, replaced, and generally like hibernating in some hole. i hate feeling like that it. it makes me irritable and sulky, though why i should be a cheerleader for my own rejection is beyond me. i try to respect other people, even when thier lives are different than mine. actually, especially when that is true. especially when they have been one of my best friends for so many years. and i am left with the distinct impression that instead i am looked down on, or replaceable, on the way to being discarded. argh. clearly, i am not being very comprehensible at the moment. that happens when i spend the day feeling bad and wondering if i'm being relegated to the land of 'this person was once my friend but i have now found something better and more relevant', knowing that this friend of mine would always be relevant to me. why is it that i am so easy to let go of? and maybe it's all in my head. after all, there was definately fun-ness and togetherness to be had...but i did get the distinct impression of being of being second-tier. and now i really need a nap, since i barely slept at all being bothered by these things ( i presume...)

well, i thought that finally getting a bit of it off my chest would helpful, but i feel just as badly as ever now....blah!

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