My Own Strain of Pale Flower Syndrome
(credit to Kate for the genius naming)
There is a social engagement/fundraiser that I was planning to attend on Saturday, but lately I’ve been feeling like I just really don’t want to go. It is a great cause, and I’ll still give them some money, but the thought of actually attending is wearing me out.
I’m tired of going to things alone and hoping that there will be someone there I know and that will talk with me. I’m tired of trying to time it so that I’m not hanging around people-watching by myself until either someone that wants to have a conversation with me arrives, or I see someone else just standing around. I have no good answer for the ‘what you have been up to’ obligatory politeness. I more than likely have not been up to anything they’ll particularly interesting and I’m not a good storyteller anyway, so that generally falls rather flat (a conclusion born out of too many experiences).
And the big part, what has been striking me the most today is that I’m just tired of going to things that bring my aloneness into sharper relief. Of putting myself in situations that make it harder to ignore the fact that I am an outsider. As much as I may have some friendships and some fun dinners and plans, I remain in the periphery of any social group. As much as there may be people I may call first, I am no ones first call. I am not who they think of when making plans, who they want to see, who they ‘just hang out with’ when that’s all there is to do. And right now, I’m just weary of trying to “put myself out there” (just like anyone reading this would tell me to do) and tired of trying to fit in anywhere, of trying to be social, of trying to make new/better friends, or making efforts that simply only drain me. I can’t make myself be important to people, I can’t make anyone be the friend I want them to be. And that’s fine. That is just life for me, for right now. But right now, I’m just tired.
5 comments:
Well, you're one of the very few people I call first with good or bad news. Heck, you're one of the few people I actually can talk to about the things that matter to me (admittidly often silly things).
As someone who has battled loneliness , I can sympathise with the feeling of being on the outside looking in. It sucks being in a croud and feeling lonely, and it's even worse being around those with whom you shouldn't feel lonely but still feeling that way. If you find a cure, let me know.
About the only thing I've been able to tell myself during the outsider/lonely phases I go through is the stars may be feel like an outsider in my life, but my life is better for having them in it to look at and wonder about. Hokey I know, but hey what did you expect?
Heh. You are hokey. it works b/c i'm a sap--and you know to expect that:)
The problem is that I have the human need to connect and belong and that is just not happening at the level I'd like it to:) right now and here anyway:)
that's a pretty metaphor, and it may be rather apt, but it just doesn't work for me. its too easy to put people in categories like that and relegate them to how they serve you...reality is not that neat. at least not for me. i know you meant it more abstractly than that, and it may be right, but yeah. blahness.
another reason to consider my options later on...
:):)
I get it. I often feel the same way, and am totally awful at being social, especially when I don't know the people. Okay in a one-on-one, but really, who wants to hear about my latest crocheted project?
But I want you to know that you are one of the first people I think of for just about anything, even though your not here. Many times a week I say or think "I wish Cat was here" or "Cat would love this!" So be assured, that if you ever move back here, you'll be called upon often to sit around and watch silly tv and be crafty with me. Oh...and have yummy dinner.
But yes, the loneliness is so not fun. And it is why I dread wedding invites.
Yeah--who wants to hear about the scarf I'm knitting or the blanket I'm making for my mom? Basically you :) And the people i've been friends with long enough that they still think i'm interesting when i tell them about that stuff.
I may just not be dynamic enough or something.
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