like everyone else, i remember vividly exactly where i was and what i was doing last year. i got into work around 7:30, expecting the day to be like any other. around 8:50 i first checked the local news on the internet and saw the headline that a plane had crashed into one of the world trade towers, accompanied by a bizarre picture. i clicked off, thinking 'what a weird accident, i guess we'll know more later'. a few mintues later, around the small office, i heard someone say that 2 planes had crashed into the world trade center. i thought they must have read it wrong and was going to say something, but instead went back to my computer to check again. and when i saw the 'developing news' report i still thought it must be a rumor that 2 had crashed. i already had formed in my mind that it would mean we were being attacked, or that it was something even more horrible than a strange accident, if it had happend to more than one plane. after seeing that, it all blurred by so quickly. everyone was trying to get onto cnn or msnbc...someone even was able to get video feed and we watched, horrified, as they showed the planes crashing. then the pentagon, then they fell, then flight 93 crashed. i remember the rumor that there was still a stray plane somewhere and we all wondered...


i figured that all my friends and family were safe. but i had to somehow reach them all just to make sure, for all i knew something else had happened too. i remember frantically dialing my cell phone and not getting through to maryland, noone was responding to emails at first. and i finally reached a few people and found out that everyone was accounted for and okay. i know one person who works in downtown dc. another that is often in the area of the pentagon that was attacked, but happened to be waiting in the airport for a flight that was of course cancelled. someone was a courier and watched it happen, knowing his cousin was inside. my friend at work thought her sister may be dead b/c she worked a floor where the second plane crashed. luckily, she left the building when they said they could all stay at thier desks. at work, we were concerned about our clients in new york who work there (all safe somehow).

they closed our office and i drove home with l. i desperately wanted to talk to someone close to me, and honestly, the last person i wanted to talk to was her. she said a few trite things about 'the number of lives lost' and i thought 'you don't seem to really care'. that may have been selfish of me, but i really did not want to listen to her at that time. i really wished that i had a close close friend here that i could have huddled in front of the television with and i felt very alone, sitting in the middle of the couch, clutching the remote, only watching cable news. i watched the planes crash and the buildings fall and the pentagon on fire over and over again and it still did not seem real. i watched for days, like everyone else, and it was just so surreal, so weird. and mind-bloggling to think of all the people who just went to work and died for it. and those who tried to save them (in both cities). the fight we all believe the passengers put up on flight 93...that kind of bravery still astounds me. i felt like was abandoning someone, the lost and those who lost them, if i watched something normal. i think i clicked by something that made me laugh, and i knew that there were so many who could not do that.

that friday, i finally left the house for something besides work. pat and i went to go see our favorite local band, the leader of whom is from new york, and was using this concert (scheduled months before) to send money down to new york. i NEEDED to get out, i needed to not be in front of the television, i needed to be around people feeling the same way. it was even better if i did not know them. it was nice to feel connected to strangers. we left as people were gathering outside to light candles and i was so moved. it was beautiful, the sun going down on a city street being light by people with candles. as we drove there, people stood on corners and waved flags as drivers honked back. the band played great. we all felt better afterward.

i have to say, that i did not suddenly realize that i have to love those whom i love and let them know it. i did not suddenly realize that there is more to life, which is short and precious. not to trivialize these things or those who realized them. it's just that i had to learn them years ago, the hard way, and i haven't forgotten. and this year, i realize that it is a luxery that i do not have to carry the weight of what happend every day. that i could forget for awhile. i don't have to think about it everyday. that not being directly affected, i may not forget, but i don't suffer the loss and pain and hurt that others do. and i don't take that for granted. i know it is a luxery that i have. and today i especially remember those who lost someone or had to directly live through it all. i have my own things that i do not have the luxery of forgetting for a while. i can, on some level, understand what it is like for those who cannot forget this for one second of one day. you go on, you live but you just have this permanent thing with you.

i could not find words last year to describe what i felt or the terrible amount of devestation. the physical and emotional that was witnessed. and i still can't.

last night i was watching the special that covered the stories of some of the fireman and rescue workers. i was struck so hard by the loss. by the hurt expressed by those being interviewed, the friends, wives, brothers, fathers...

and at the same time, there is incredible love and hope and bravery being shown. that is what i think i am really struck by the most. it really just floors me when i think about it.