Sometimes I wonder if we ever really understand how much love surrounds us. Sometimes I wonder how freeing it would be if we did. 

Well, I certainly didn't expect all that...



Just as an update, I am apparently attractive to 50-some year old grandfathers in Utah, any online male in my area that is at least 15 years older than me, and some dude who has never even spoken to me keeps saying I make him feel special. Awesome.

I did actually get to see him in person, in real life, once...

I have a working theory that many (because I try to not over-generalize) men are always thirteen at heart: all about hormones and video games. I have to admit, I may be the same way, minus the video games. At thirteen I was an insecure bookworm totally in love with Johnny Depp, and I fear that girl is still lurking inside the woman I am now. I may be more confident, and more social, but I still love the Depp. To the point where I specifically invite a bunch of woman (and one brave man) over to eat food and watch 21 Jumpstreet. This past Saturday was the second Johnny Depp Taco Night, and it was a bit startling to realize how much I can regress into being that girl that was just sooooo totally omg (not that we said that in 1988) in love-lust with someone I would never meet. Seeing him as a demon barber slicing people's throats with crazy hair did nothing to deter me, since I am also still just as stubborn as ever. Good thing we only got through a few episodes and the one movie, since I'm clearly not ever going to get over him (though maybe at some point we'll simply transition into Matt Damon and enchiladas...)

Covering the bases, I suppose.

About a month ago, Kate and I met Norma and Stan. We were sitting outside, eating ice cream, and dissecting the movie we had just seen when these two lovely strangers asked to sit with us. They were clearly a couple, and just looking for a place to sit, but we struck up a conversation and it wasn't long before the topic turned dating. Stan, at 70 years old, is still a ladies man, and Norma was clearly amused by him and probably genuinely found him delightful. They both counseled Kate and I to to seek men out, that we had pretty faces though we should wear lipstick, and Stan told me I needed to be more aggressive, though Norma did defend my shyness a bit. After talking for just a while, I needed to get Kate back home, so we made our exit, having thoroughly enjoyed our random encounter.

Looking back, this may have planted a seed, and may have been a bit fortitious as well. To explain, this is how I do things: I hem and haw and repeatedly tip my toes in to see how cold or scary or bizarre-seeming the water is. Then I just flat out run and jump in the deep end, even though I can never see the bottom. What I don't like is when this requires me to cease all stubbornness, my most trusted armour; and I suppose where I could most stand some personal growth.

What I've always said I don't feel compelled or interested in doing is something that I have been more open to doing, especially since I've moved back. In Boston, even if not dating, there was possibility right in front of you, someone new could always move in because new people always did--even though I didn't quite buy into that, the downright fact that there would always be transition and possibility was there. Here, not so much.

Let me be clear, however: this has been some time in coming, it's not like I haven't looked, and there are no real expectations or real hopes for that matter--just a semblance of possibilities I may be curious in, and there will be absolutely no pity, just for a free dinner, just because I have nothing better to do, just in case I think I will die alone he might do, dates in whatever forays I am about to take into the world of online dating.

I am doing this solely for myself--I realized that only reason I wasn't doing this is straight-out stubbornness in the face of not wanting to do it to please, placate, prove myself to or otherwise seem to be cajoled into by anyone else. This is not because people have told me to, because it has or has not worked for anyone else, because I think it's the magic answer, but simply to be more bold, to be less stubborn--in short this is one of those character building experiences. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but it needs to be done.

Long Enough

A re-design has been long overdue and though I'm not completely happy with my color scheme, it will have to do. After so many other changes in the past year, I think I've held off actually keeping up this blog because it had not changed as well. That, and some things simply cannot be put out there for all the world (meaning the emptiness of the internet that actually looks at this thing) to vilify or argue about or annoy me with or think less of me with, or any number of other reasons to exercise discretion; though I have been tempted to vent a few times. In those cases, I was too afraid of a backlash of calls to understanding, overworn cliches, metaphors that don't do justice (because they never do) to let my thoughts out and instead I repress--a lovely return to my adolescence. Perhaps I will also write melodramatic, if truthful, poetry that will cause me to cringe in another fifteen years. However, in any case, be that what it may...here I am. Again.

Absolutely

Your Slogan Should Be

Cat. Love Every Bite.

The Slogan Generator

What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do

1. Have little mini-meltdowns in your own head.
2. Continue eating chocolate.
3. Stress out over things you have no control over.
4. That have not happened yet. But get good and mad and upset anyway.
5. Try to make that little voice that keeps saying "you suck" to shut up.
6. Wonder, during your psychopathology class, if you are having a pyschotic break.
7. Throw a pity party for your lonesome self. By yourself.
8. Suppress. Everything. But it won't work.
9. Wait for your friends to take thier turns on Scrabulous.
10. Wonder. About everything, and if it'll all turn out...more...than okay.

Realizations That I Am (sometimes reluctantly) Coming To

1.  I have watched approximately 5, 236, 874 episodes of Law and Order, and the only thing I've learned is that divorce is easier than trying to kill my future spouse for all the insurance money. Also, always ask for a lawyer and say nothing else.

2.  My wardrobe pretty much consists of t-shirts and jeans. I'm really very boring and not at all prepared for sudden fancy events, unlike all the women on TV. 

3. I watch a lot of TV. I'm really rather co-dependant.

4. I prefer dark-haired men to blondes.

5.  I suck at this teaching small children thing at church.

6.  I will probably be a spinster forever. I may or may not have cats, however.

7.  I was much cooler when I was younger.

8. Since when did I not like writing? Maybe it's just the school stuff.

9.  I'm not really all that disciplined. 

10. I should really stop procrastinating, but blogging is better than doing my human behavior abstract.